The Text Message That Said It All

Part 2 of the series – The Ones Walking With You

It was a Saturday.

It was late.

I remember where I was sitting. I remember exactly what the text said. It was the first time I had heard her use this kind of wording. She had told me about the self-harm when we were juniors in high school, but this was different. I knew then she wasn’t okay. This was depression, anxiety, and an unstable mental state all wrapped in one.

She was in Rome, Georgia and I was living at home 2 hours away. Looking back, I think there was a lot of purpose in me being so far. The solution was not going to be me showing up to her dorm room with a hand full of flowers and a box of donuts. The solution was not going to be me sitting at a table at the local coffee shop trying to be her counselor. I think the Lord knew I might try that route so He made it not an option.

I learned then that what you do for people will never be as important as what you say to people. It was not going to be what I did. I was going to be what I said. I wanted to say all the right things. Until I realized that there was no script I could read off to her over the phone that was going to fix all of this for her, I said all the wrong things. Until you take the pressure off of needing to have the antidote for someone’s pain, you will never stop setting yourself up to try to play a role that you will never be able to fill. It won’t be them you let down, they already know you don’t have the answers – it will be yourself. We have to be careful that our desire to say something isn’t so consuming that we let ourselves say something just to say something. It can end up doing more harm than good. The way you communicate will be everything.

I won’t downplay the reality. It is no small thing to walk through a season with someone where they have no concern for their life. However, what scared me the most wasn’t to stay. What scared me more was that ever for a second I would even consider cowering back in intimidation from this darkness. It is not scary to step into the valley with someone. It is scary that we would ever consider it being an option not to. So, if you asked me point blank, “why did you do it?” I would tell you because there was no other option. I signed up for it, all of it. Good and bad. We don’t get to be the kind of people who only want to walk the roads that lead to stage lights, beach trips, and matching friendship tattoos. (we don’t have those)

We get to be the people who can confess that we might not know how to do it, but we are willing to figure it out. At the end of the day, we over complicate it. No, I didn’t understand her depression, but I knew that at the root of all of it was pain. I knew pain. I wonder if it is not the pain of those we are doing life with that scares us. I wonder if dark seasons with friends only scare us because secretly we are afraid of our own pain. The only qualification you need to walk through any season with someone, whatever it might be, is pain.

The term “valley” the Lord uses in scripture is a universal term that we can all resonate with. This was her valley but I had been in my own before. I knew what I wish someone would have done or not done for me – so that is where I started. You should do the same.

So what did I do?

The biggest thing I did was I always made sure that I was not making her feel like she was my project. She was fully aware and people are fully aware of when they have brokenness that needs fixing. I never wanted her to think that I was seeing this as a task on my to-do list. People don’t want to be fixed, they want to be loved. We get the order of events wrong. We think, let me try to fix them so they know I love them. When really it is, let me love them, because love is what fixes things.

A way you can make sure your people know that you aren’t consumed with “fixing them” is by letting them in on what is going on in your world. This will protect them from believing the lie that the friendship is a one-way street where all you do is listen to their struggles. No one of us wants to feel like a burden. If we are the ones who are needing to vent about where we are at, it makes all the difference in the world if our friends can feel like they can do it back.

It is tempting to think “they already have enough going on” or “what I need to talk about doesn’t compare to what they are struggling with.” By us being people who aren’t afraid to let people stay in the loop with us, even when they are in a hard season, will put to rest this mentality of comparing brokenness.

I would let her in. I would tell her about the latest family drama or insecurity issue that I was struggling with. I knew it would give her a chance to see she had something to offer me despite being where she was at. Give people the chance to speak into your life and don’t let it just be you speaking into theirs. It will show them that you value their input despite where they are at. For far too long we have let ourselves think that our hardships disqualify us from having something to offer. It is not true. Where you are at does not determine what you are capable to do. Find ways to remind people, especially those struggling with depression, that their life adds value to yours and to other peoples. Because the odds are they don’t see the value that we do.

I knew Mary-Michael wasn’t seeing the value her life had so I use to ask myself, “what can I talk to her about today that makes her HAVE to give input or invest into someone/something else?” It could be little things like “any new artists I should listen to?” or “where is a good place to eat in Atlanta?” It doesn’t matter what it is but find ways for them to invest in something. Big or small.

Please hear me say this – the conversation doesn’t always have to be about “the thing.” Change the conversation. Change it because it is you telling them that it is not the headliner over their life. You do not have to tiptoe around them during this season. Make them feel normal. You can make someone feel normal and not dismiss the reality. See people, don’t just see what they are fighting.

Anytime Mary-Michael and I we would communicate phone/text/in person, I would be intentional about making sure she knew I wasn’t scared of what was going on by not shying away from the conversation when it was brought up. I also wanted her to always know I was okay when the conversation wasn’t about that. You know when it needs to be brought up, but so do they. Let them let you in. Don’t pry too much. There is not a secret formula for that. You have to ask the Holy Spirit for discernment of when to ask the hard questions but also to be able to know when not to. Worry can make you ask too many questions. As followers of Jesus we can’t choose to worry, we have to choose faith. Faith knows when silence is okay because in the silence someone is still with them in it – Him.

I need you to know that you can let people in on it. It’s too much to carry on your own. There were so many nights I would go downstairs crying to tell my mom something that she had said or I would talk to mutual friends we had. You might be the one standing on the battlefield with them, but you can have people cheering you on from the sidelines. Have those people.

Most importantly, don’t shut off the feelings even though they are messy/painful. I was scared. It would have been easier to turn that off but if I had, I wouldn’t have prayed the way I did. Nor would I be able to celebrate today the grace of God in her life the way I get to. What you feel is going to change the way you pray. Prayers are great, but broken-hearted over someones hopeless, weeping over their hurt, those kinds of prayers change things. There will be times when you don’t know what to say. If that is the case, don’t say anything to them. Go say something to God about it. They need Him more than they need you.

People don’t need a navigation system in the valley. A lot of times they just need company. Company can come without words. Sit with them. Sit with them and be okay with doing nothing more than that.

I don’t know why we think we have to figure it out on our own. We don’t even think about asking the simple question, “what can I do for you?” You might think you know what you need to do for your friends but what you think they need and what they really need might not line up. Do not be afraid to ask them. I can promise you that asking them is not going to make them think that you are frustrated or hitting a dead end. It is going to make them feel like you care enough that you want to do what is best for them. When in doubt, don’t go off of your own intuition. Let them have a voice.

Lastly, never ever ever ever let the words come out of your mouth, “I know how you feel.” Even if you have been in a similar place, hurt manifests differently for everyone. They don’t need you to understand their pain on a personal level, they need you to validate it. That can be done by only saying, “I am sorry that you feel the way you do right now.”

These words aren’t meant to leave the impression that if you apply everything I just said then all of your concerns and questions will be put to rest. These words are me doing the best I can to help you answer the question, “what do I do?” More than that, they are just a – this is what I did. I didn’t always get it right. Honestly, I learned by getting it wrong most of the time.

Just when you think you aren’t cut out for the job come back here and let me tell you again that you have what it takes. Keep going. Don’t step out. Step further in. Be the one walking with them. It is not a role that should be considered a burden but an honor. It will make you a better person – if you stick it out.