The tree was lit in the living room and the stocking were hung over the fireplace just like they always were. Mom had cooked dinner and the hustle of Christmas Eve was coming to an end. The routine of our “typical” Christmas Eve did serve as a slight distraction to the fact that nothing was normal about this Christmas. I think we tried to normalize the day as much as we could but without anyone saying it – we all knew everyone was holding their breath.
It was 2014 – I remember it all like it was yesterday. A house full of people slowly started to dwindle down. My oldest sister married and a mom, packing up her belongings, and heading home to form their own family traditions. My other sister, my little brother, my mom, and I were the only ones who remained. This, this was the Christmas that not just one of older brothers but both of them would spend in rehab. In an instant, Christmas morning turned into 1/2 of my family being absent.
I haven’t thought about this Christmas in a long time. Yet, for some reason sitting in church this morning the Lord brought it to mind. I believe He brought it to mind for multiple reasons. 1. To impart hope into someones else’s story. 2. To show me the areas where I needed to repent over this Christmas.
We woke up that Christmas morning, the 4 of us, opened a few presents, changed out of Christmas pajamas and loaded into the car. We would make the 4 hour drive to visit my oldest brother at the rehab facility he was staying at. Both of my brothers in rehab at the same time, for the same addiction, but in different places. As the old saying goes, “you cannot be in two places at one.” There is no reason to even attempt to throw a Christmas bow on myself this day. I was furious. I did not want to spend my Christmas in the car, driving hours to sit around a table in a room full of other families. I didn’t want to make the visit.
Gosh, I remember it so clearly how bad of a mood I was in the whole way there. My headphones in, only taking them out to ask how much longer, my heart was ridden with anger because this was another Christmas that required some type of “visit.”
I think a lot of us have been there. I think a lot of us have had a Christmas that require a visit. Maybe it was to see a family member in rehab. Maybe it was to a graveside to visit a loved one who is missing their first Christmas. Maybe it was to a hospital to visit someone batting sickness. Maybe it was to visit someone in jail. I don’t know where your “visit” might land in categories but I hope you know today that you are not alone in that.
I can’t help but think of how maybe I would have done that rehab visit differently that day if I had only knew – I wasn’t the only one. That isn’t me saying that I have an excuse for the posture of my heart. It is me saying that I believe the enemy traps us in our thinking by making us think “nobody else has to deal with this.” If he can trap us in our thinking, our thinking will then inform our actions, which ultimately results in not the ways of Jesus.
I was the only one – that is how I felt that Christmas morning. Who else was having to spend their entire Christmas holiday visiting someone that couldn’t be home for the holidays? Whew, man how our flesh can make us pity ourselves. Self-pity is not the response of God’s people, empathy is. I went inward and the moment I went inward my vision became one that was saturated in “self.”
Here is the thing though, nobody could have said anything to me that day to change my response. I was stuck in my own hole of “this isn’t fair” and only one thing was going to pull me out of that hole – conviction.
We arrived at the rehab facility and spend the afternoon with my oldest brother. We met some of the guys who were in his room. We watched as some other families also made their visits. But we also watched as some guys sat with no one coming to visit at all. Our visit was coming to an end and we walked slowly to the car. My sister, my mom, and I all hugged my brother and walked away as my youngest brother stood there for a little bit longer. From a distance you could see a young teenager covering his face with his hands as his older brother wrapped him in his arms.
I’ll never forget this scene because it was the kindness of God that I was able to see this. I wept through that moment and I realized so quickly that behind the frustration and anger of what the day had to look like was just a little girl who desperately wanted her family to be made whole again. Our anger can easily become our self-protection mechanism to pain.
So as Christmas approaches this year and as I sat in church this morning thinking about this visit to a rehab facility, I asked myself:
What if Jesus didn’t want to make a visit to me?
There are the moments where God’s grace can take us back to places where our pride elevated us above others and can level the ground. Grace causes land shifts to happen. The ground we stand on has always been even. You see, that Christmas in 2014 required me to go make a visit to my brother, but all of us have required a visit. It is the story of Christmas. It is the brokenness of humanity. It is the need for someone to show up.
You might be the one making the visit this Christmas but we must not forget that woven into the story of the manger is the message that God made a visit to us all.
Listen – I know the complexity of emotions. Especially for those of us who have are making a visit to someone that is because of their own choices. But I also know that anger and judgement have never been a pair that have served me well. They won’t serve you well either. I won’t tell you to instantly make the jump to compassion and empathy because that did not come over night for me either. We don’t have to jump but we can step. I don’t even think we have to take a step forward. In fact, I think this Christmas we can all take a step back. We can step back and realize all over again that all of us were in desperate need of a redemption story.
Step back and let let the grace of God help you realize all over again how level the ground is here.
A voice of one calling: “In the wilderness prepare the way for the Lord; make straight in the desert a highway for our God. Every valley shall be raised up, every mountain and hill made low, the rough ground shall become level, the rugged places a plain. And the glory of the Lord will be revealed, and all people will see it together. Isaiah 40:3-5
To you who is making some type of visit this year: May you carry the presence of Christ into whatever rooms you will be in. May you heart be ruled by the Spirit and not your flesh. May you know that your seat at the table matters.
None of us have to hold our breath through this Holiday season.
Jesus.
Born as a baby – He breathed.
Jesus.
Resurrected – He breathed.
He took a breath. Both times it changed everything.
He took a breath, so you can too.
